


You Need Help! I Will Pay For It!

by simplyn2deep



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Episode: s01e03 Malama Ka Aina (Respect the Land), Episode: s01e08 Mana'o (Belief), Episode: s01e16 E Malama (To Protect), Episode: s01e17 Powa Maka Moana (Pirate), Episode: s02e07 Ka Iwi Kapu (Sacred Bones), Episode: s02e10 Kiʻilua (Deceiver), M/M, comm: h50_exchange, h50_exchange, radio therapist, radio therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/375862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplyn2deep/pseuds/simplyn2deep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny thinks Steve needs help and turns to a radio ‘therapist’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Need Help! I Will Pay For It!

**Author's Note:**

> written for [](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=willow_fae_20)[willow_faw_20](http://www.livejournal.com/users/willow_fae_20/) as apart of [](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=h50_exchange)[h50_exchange](http://www.livejournal.com/community/h50_exchange/)
> 
> Thanks to [](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=tkeylasunset)[tkeylasunset](http://www.livejournal.com/users/tkeylasunset/) for the beta
> 
> References to episodes 1x03 Malama Ka Aina, 1x08 Mana'o, 1x16 E Malama, 1x17 Powa Maka Moana, 2x07 Ka Iwi Kapu, 2x10 Ki’ilua

_“Thank you for tuning in for four hours of Zen with the Zen man himself, Chin Ho Kelly,” the announcer said. “He’ll be taking your calls, texts and emails about love, life and anything you’re having problems with.”_

“Our first email,” Kono, the show’s producer said into her mic, “is from a man who’s listening online all the way in…” a pause and a stifled laugh, “New Jersey. His e-mail reads, ‘Dear Zen man, I’m a thirty-five year old man who’s in a rather unique partnership with someone who drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy. This person refuses to take my advice on anything, rushes headlong into situations that require more than just me as back-up…but I can’t seem to quit him. He’s so much a part of my life that my daughter, my own flesh and blood, practically idolizes him...” Kono continued reading the letter that ended with “‘Thanks for any help you can give me, but it’s really my partner who needs the help –Jersey.’”

“Oh boy…” Chin said with a laugh. “Sounds to me like Jersey might be in need of a host of advice. Probably more than I can tackle in today’s show.”

Kono laughed, “Well maybe you can ask Malia to split her time slot with you.”

“Oh you got jokes, Cuz…” Chin said with another laugh, “I think it’s only fair that if I do that, then I should help you with those relationship problems you’ve been griping about with Mr. Lab Tech…”

Kono turned a brilliant shade of red before clearing her throat, “Moving on to the next caller…”

“Before that, I have some advice for Jersey.” Chin said. “My advice would be to talk with your partner, but seeing as how you’re writing to me, I guess you’ve done that. Also I’m wondering, how much of this is fact and how much is exaggerated? A grenade to open a door? Tossing a man into a shark cage?”

“I think I remember hearing about a man being dangled from a building though,” Kono piped in. “But it couldn’t have been the same guys…”

“How many people do you know who would dangle someone off a building?” Chin asked. “No one.” He shook his head. “Kono, I don’t know who you’ve been listening to, but no one was dangled off a building and not in jail for doing that.”

~+~

“Really, Steve…I was listening to Chin Ho Kelly’s show and they read a letter from Danny.”

“Mare…” Steve said with a sigh. “Danny is in New Jersey helping his parents out while his dad recovers from surgery.”

“Well, if you don’t believe me, listen to the rebroadcast tomorrow online. There’s no way they’d cut that segment out!”

“I’m telling you. I know it wasn’t him,” Steve said. “He wouldn’t write into a radio show to air our dirty laundry like that.”

“Well, he’s said on more than one occasion that you need help,” Mary said. “He’s also said he’d pay for you to get that help. Maybe this is his way of getting help for you.” She paused. “Plus it’s got to be way cheaper than couple’s counseling.”

~+~

_“Back again for that Zen! Chin Ho Kelly, the Zen man is here to help you get your Zen on,” the announcer said. “So show him some love and call in, text in or email in. He’ll talk about anything.”_

“Seriously, we need to do something about that lead in!” Kono said. “I think the listeners know you’re the Zen man by now. It’s been a few years.”

Chin laughed. “You get right on that Kono.” He adjusted the earphones on his head. “Kono, who’s the first caller?”

“Well, we have someone going by the name of Smooth Dog,” Kono said. “He wants to comment on last week’s email from Jersey.” Chin raised an eyebrow and Kono shook her head and gave a little shrug.

“Okay, Smooth Dog, you’re on the air…,” Chin said.

“Zen man…I gotta tell you…,” Steve said by way of greeting. “The email you read from Jersey is all exaggerated.”

“Oh really, and how do you know this?” Kono asked

“I’m Jersey’s _‘bat-shit crazy partner’_.” Steve said with a laugh. “He’s said that I need help and has offered to pay for said help, but I figured this way might be a bit more cost-effective in the long run.”

“If Jersey’s tales are exaggerated, what’s your take on it all?” Chin asked. “Because I gotta say, I don’t know if you need therapy or to be committed.”

Steve laughed more. “Funny you should say that. Jersey tells me quite frequently I should probably be committed. To be honest, I’m perfectly harmless to those who don’t get on my bad side.”

“I just gotta know, Smooth Dog…,” Kono said. “Did you really dangle someone off a roof?”

“Yes, that did happen, but I also got the information that I needed,” Steve said.

“What about using a grenade to open a door?”

“Well that’s also true,” Steve said. “But the guy was selling stuff stole by pirates.”

“Pirates?!” Kono snorted. “Like ‘Arrrg!’ Johnny Depp pirates?”

“Not as good looking,” Steve said plainly. That caused Kono to laugh.

“Okay, wait,” Chin said. “Hold up. Time out.”

“Yes…?” Steve and Kono said at the same time.

“You mean to tell me and all the listeners of this show that there are pirates in the great state of Hawai’i?” Chin asked

“I can neither confirm nor deny that there are pirates in the great state of Hawai’i but come on, brah! You’re _kama'aina_. You probably know more than I do.” Steve said with a laugh.

“And say I do believe there are pirates and not just a bunch of lolo ice heads, how would you know anything about them?”

“It’s my job to know these things. Plus, these pirates probably are a bunch of lolo ice heads,” Steve said. “But you didn’t hear that from me.”

“Right, Smooth Dog,” Chin said. “What about these other allegations your partner made…?”

“For the most part they’re true,” Steve admitted. “But he’s done outrageous stuff too.”

“Oh really? Like what?” Chin asks.

“He strapped a man to the hood of his car with bungee cords and drove through town,” Steve said. “I’m surprised we didn’t get pulled over for that stunt.”

“Was this during rush hour?” Kono asked with a laugh.

“Eleven at night,” Steve said. “There were still quite a few people out and about.”

“This is Hawai’i, brah. There are always people out and about,” Chin said.

~+~

“Tell me that wasn’t you,” Danny said by way of greeting when Steve answered his phone.

“Okay. It wasn’t me,” Steve said with a soft laugh.

“Do not play dumb with me Steven!” Danny said. “Tell me that you didn’t insult a rather large group of people, who are still at large, by calling them a bunch of _‘lolo ice heads’_.”

“Ahh you heard the show,” Steve said. “When did you get the chance to listen to the show? I thought you would have been sleeping.”

“Re-broadcast online. Doesn’t matter. Answer the question,” Danny said.

Steve could tell Danny’s hands were waving as he spoke. He’d never really experienced a Danny rant over the phone and wondered if it’d be just as amusing as it was in person.

“Danny…only three people know that was me calling the show,” Steve said. “You on the other hand…I’ve had a few people ask me if that was you who e-mailed the show last week.”

“Ha ha! Apparently they know you well,” Danny said. “When I get back next week, we are going to have a long discussion about this.”

“I’m making a list of everything to talk about,” Steve said with a smirk. “Love you Danno.” He hung up before Danny could reply.

~+~

_“We have a special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen. You’ve heard of their antics a few weeks ago, but now they’re in studio to tell more. Please welcome Jersey and Smooth Dog,” the announcer said._

“I’d ask who’s who…” Kono began, “but I’m fairly certain I know.”

“It’s the tie isn’t?” Steve asked with a laugh. “It’s a dead giveaway.”

Danny flipped Steve off. “It’s called being professional. We do have to get back to work after this.”

“This is the first time in nearly six months that you’ve worn a tie,” Steve said. “Look around, no one else is wearing a tie.”

“Jersey, man…you’ve got to relax and feel the _Aloha_ ,” Kono said.

“If I relax anymore than I already have, people will confuse me for him.” Danny hooked his thumb over his shoulder and pointed to Steve.

Steve laughed, “I don’t think that’ll happen.”

“So Smooth Dog, I hear you have a list of grievances against your partner,” Chin said. “Care to share those?”

Steve clapped his hands and rubbed them together. He had a gleeful glint in his eyes and Danny groaned. “This isn’t going to be pretty.”

“Boy do I have a list,” Steve replied. “These are in no particular order. Jersey had a…conversation with the Housing Commissioner over some stunt...”

“A stunt?!” Danny exclaimed. “He arranged for a carjacking! Someone we both know and love could have been hurt.”

“He threatened his ex-wife’s husband…” Steve continued.

“Who hasn’t done that?” Chin mused. “Not that I have an ex-wife. I’m just saying.”

“Well…Smooth Dog here got himself captured by his _arch nemesis_ ,” Danny said. “Who in this day and age has an _arch nemesis_?!”

“It makes sense that he has one.” Kono reasoned. “He’s like a super hero.” Steve smirked

“Take it back!” Danny said waving a warning finger in Kono’s direction. “Do not inflate his ego even more than it already is.”

“This I’ve got to hear,” Chin said. “How do you have an _arch nemesis_ and how did you get captured by…him? I’m assuming it’s a him?”

“In my defense,” Steve began.

“There is no defense for you,” Danny mumbled.

“I was helping a friend who believed what they were told about a loved one they desperately missed,” Steve said. “Sadly, this friend lost their life, but Jersey came to my rescue.”

The conversation continued, jumping from topic to topic. Kono and Chin laughed at Steve and Danny’s antics. It was clear to them the two men had a solid, albeit, scary and dangerous relationship that seemed to thrive on one upping each other in the crazy and insane department.

“I’m not the only one who has an ego,” Steve said. He pointed to Danny, “Jersey keeps bringing up how many cases he’s solved back in New Jersey every chance he gets. If I had a cocoa puff for every time he mentioned how many cases he solved--”

“Eighty-seven, for the record!” Danny jumped in.

“--I could probably give Liliha Bakery a run for its money!”

Chin gave a low whistle. “Eighty-seven solved cases is impressive.”

“Thank you, Chin!” Danny said. “It’s nice for my accomplishments to be recognized.”

“You know what I find impressive?” Steve asked. He had a nearly maniacal gleam in his eyes.

Danny wondered what kind of story Steve would bring up about him and if it would cause the two of them, or at the very least, Danny, to lose their jobs.

“What I find impressive,” Steve continued, “is that Jersey honestly thought he could explain away all the bad things that happened to him after his horrible disrespect at the _Haiau_ a few months ago…”

There was an audible gasp in the studio and in the halls surrounding the studio they were in. Danny fought the urge to rolls his eyes at the dramatics, but he had learned his lesson from the events that day, and the following days for nearly a week, until he was able to set things right.

“Wow, Jersey. That’s a big thing,” Kono said. “Tell me you set about to make things right?”

Danny nodded his head. “I did. I have to say, it wasn’t a quick fix, but I learned a lot during that time of renewal. That’s what Smooth Dog called it.”

“That’s good,” Chin said with a nod of his head. “That’s very good.”

~+~

“Never again!” the Governor said. “Never again do I want to turn on the radio and hear anyone I employ airing their dirty laundry – personal or professional!”

“Sir…” Steve began, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Danny kicked Steve under the table.

“Are you lying to me McGarrett?!” Denning’s voice boomed in the quiet office. “I just got out of the meeting with the Chief of Police. You’re damn near the laughing stock of HPD!”

Danny winced slightly. ‘That would why my entire car was covered in bungee cords with a dummy pinned to the hood,’ he thought to himself.

“From now on, the Taskforce is going to have a Media Liaison and she will handle all interactions with the media.”

“Okay, sir.” Danny said with a nod.

“And your last few stunts…I better not hear about them on the local radio show, or you just might be out of a job!”

“Yes, sir.” Danny and Steve said as they stood and left the Governor’s office.

Once on the other side of the door Steve looked at Danny. “Don’t you dare blame this on me!”

“I wasn’t going to say that,” Danny said.

“This is eighty-seven percent your fault,” Steve continued. “Always insisting that I need ‘professional help’ and look where it got us!”

“Nice to see you aren’t blaming this all on me,” Danny said. “It was fun but we both went a bit too far.”

Steve nodded his head in agreement and they headed back to their office. When they got there, they were greeted by the Taskforce’s new media liaison.

She said her name was Lori Weston and she was going to try to keep out of the Taskforce’s way, but that she had a few things she wanted to work on, especially with Danny and Steve.

“The first thing we’re going to work on,” she began, “is subtlety. You both sorely lack it.”


End file.
